Love After the Battle

The battle with the self is the most brutle of them all.

So get ready, gather your weapons, sharpen your knives, strengthen your fists and then come forth....BRAVE and AlIVE!

And when you reach the mountain top lay all the weapons at your feet, surrender and stand tall, open your arms wide, smile, giggle and say NO MORE!

YOU are READY to set yourself FREE! 

Wise Woman

🔥The Wise Woman🔥
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Wise women or the bitter one -we have a choice -
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I can feel the pull to both ~ the full, rich, joyful, confident solid one that doesnt give a shit what others think, how others treat her. .
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She is who she is and she knows it . She doesnt have to prove herself to anyone, she doesnt have to try to look younger, sexier more beautiful to fit in .
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She is beautiful already in the fullness of her badass self🔥
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But the bitter one rears her head ~ sad and beat down by the years of hurt, pain hard work and suffering in silence -
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What will u choose?

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I say RISE UP all you wise women! Rise up, shine, be heard and walk this planet proud, fearless and in love.

Facing Our Aloneness

Moments like this come up

Where I feel my aloneness

It usually creaps up at night

After a long day, on my way home

I am almost afraid to go home

Afraid to face myself and be

I could busy myself with more “doing”

I could call people or go see freinds

But at the end of the day I’d still have to be with me.

In moments like this I want to push the feeling away

Eat, drink, or check out in some other way

But I no longer do that becaue I know the value in facing myself.

I’ve felt those moments of ease in my own space - oh so sweet.

But moments like this still arise

When I just want to fall into someone’s arms and be

No words necessary, no story to tell

Just familiar comfort and ease. 

I remember that feeling

Oh so sweet.

Not sure why my journey has been solo as of late

But I trust that it won’t always be that way

So tonight I witness the panic and come to my breath

Walk inside, take a moment to be and then step to into my backyard

The sky is beautiful and brilliant

The trees are vibrant

And there is so much peace in this space

I am okay. I am alive and at peace. 

I chose to write to all of you tonight because I know I’m not alone

We all have to face moments like this

And if in these moments we can stay with the self

Rather than abandon and punish

Our lives would be so much more sweet.

Sending love….

DISCERNMENT

Make a stand for yourself.
Listen to how you feel in a situation.
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Listen to how you feel when you are in someone's space.
Do you feel relaxed and in joy?
Do you feel tense and anxious?
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I used to neglect these clues.
Thinking there was something wrong with me.
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I didn't want to judge.
I wanted to take full ownership of my expereince.
And I still do.
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But what I realize now was that I was missing important signals from my nervous system. 
Wanting to be nice, kind, loving and a good person.
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I allowed myself to be in sitautions that didn't feel great.
I was strong enough, I could take care of myself and be okay.
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But I am wiser now.
I realize I don't have to put myself in places that don't feel good in my heart, my soul.
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Discernment. 
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This doesn't mean I am judging the other person.
Looking at them as bad or wrong. 
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I am just allowing myself to move with the energy of what feels "right" for me. 
Allowing myelf to move toward softenss and love.
Rather than suffering and "getting through".
I no longer have to abandon myself to please the other. 
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I still sometimes worry because I never want to hurt another.
But I realize I have to hold onto who I know myself to be
Regardless of what the other thinks.
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And staying in a state of love and grace sometimes means letting go.
And as I do that, my energy is more open and free, clear, expansive and available to love more fully, authentically and completely.

Joy, Pain, & Yoga

I’ve expereined my deepest pain
And my greatest joy in the yoga community

These were the words that came to me
As tears streamed down my face the other night

Not tears of sadness or anger or any emotion really
Just tears of release, relief

An awakening to the deep knowing of why
The veil of confusion being lifted

When I first stepped onto my mat..when I was “all in” 
It was 2009 and yoga took over

I went to my mat daily, in a yoga studio, until 2015
Then everything changed.

The mat became a place of pain
The yoga community a place of sorrow

So many things had happened causing my heart to break
My sanctuary was a sanctuary no more

That was a heartbreak and loss I was not prepared for

I deeply craved a “mother’ to care for me
A relationship to make me feel safe

But that was not the path for me at the time
I couldn’t see or reach out 

It was too painful
Abandonment was the only thing I saw

So I went on a journey to my mat, my meditation cushion , India (many times)
To Face myself, face God, 

The deeper I went the more JOY I felt
But the sorrow also grew and I didn’t understand

Why was I not getting it?
Why did things seem to be getting “worse”
Why could I no longer focus on the goodness
Why was my attention pulled to the dark

And then the other night an awakening happened in a flash
Everying that has happened has happened for me
A thing I knew on the level of the mind
But I "got it"' on the level of the heart, the soul

Everything that happened happend...
To bring everything to the surface
And this time I had the strength to stay
To see, to be with and to HEAL

In the past I was able to leave relationships, jobs, and move on

But I can’t leave yoga because that would mean leaving my greatest love
A love that will never go away and a love that is a deep reflection of me

So I have been navigating my way
Ups and downs, twists and turns
Storms and rainbows
Deep laughter, wild screams, big tears and big smiles

As yogis we have to face ourselves
We can’t hide, blame, run away, check out, control or fix

So, as much as I want to tell a story
The story doesn’t matter

As much as I want to compare my path to the other
I witness that and let it pass

Because I know that my journey has been uniquelly designed for me
And your journey uniquely designed for you

And all that matters is can you accept your story, your path, yourself fully, completely and with great reverence

For yoga is a deep love affair
Love with ourself, our life and purpose

And all I can do is deeply surrender
Choose to let the experiences OPEN MY HEART more
And have the courage to stay on the ride
In any way I can

Someitmes it takes a warrior stance to do that
Sometimes the stance of a child
And always the stance of a mother…..
loving unconditionally, strong, solid, compassionate, wise, and with a deep trust that I will find my way….
And you will too...
Sending love

Anger, Kids, & Acceptance

My son, like all of us, has many emotions. 
They come out in two main ways:
Pure Joy and Intense Anger
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It has always been this way.
Since he was very young.
The anger piece been a huge challenge for me, but also one of my greatest teachers.
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You see, I grew up surrounded by anger.
I hated it and didn’t know how to deal with it.
So I ran away as quickly as I could when I saw it in myself or the other.
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But shoving it down didn’t really work.
It just showed up in destructive ways.
Violent acts to the self which impacted the other.
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But having my son forced me to look anger in the eyes.
Forced me to find a way to be with it.
And bring it to the surface.
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So last night when my sons anger was rising.
I held steady and stayed.
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In the past I would have checked out.
Been angry that he was angry.
Desperately searching for ways to make him happy again.
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But I have learned to be with. 
And last night when the fury ended.
The truth came out!
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He told me how he was anxious all the time.
Stressed out and worried about multiple things.
And even when there was nothing to worry about, there were he persisted.
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Such a sweet moment of connection.
To truly see him.
And what was underneath the surface.
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The more I can be with my own anger.
The more I can be with his.
And the gift in that is that it won’t go under ground and show up and self-destructive acts.
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It is a journey that will continue
As he enters his 13th year next week.
It is a balance of seeking help from others, listening to him and trusting my own wisdom.
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I share this with you because I know anger can be a challenging emotion for many of us.
And if we could find a way to be with it in a healthy way rather than make it wrong or bad we could see what’s truly beneath it and so many problems could be prevented.
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And
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One of the most challenging things to do as a parent but also one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to be with all parts of who they are~ for me it was so easy to love the bright beautiful charismatic side of him and to reject the anger. But as I’ve learned to be with this piece of who he is, his light grows and the struggle lessens.
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And lastly as parents can we support one another rather than judge one another when struggles happen.

Sending love. 

Allowing Space for Kids to Blossom

This boy brought tears to my eyes today....in a good way.
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When I picked him up from school yesterday (after not seeing him for 6 days) he didn’t want to speak.
We drove home in silence.
When we got home he went in his room and shut the door.
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Heartbreak because all I wanted to do was spend time with him and speak (that is how I connect)
But it is different for him-so, I respected his wishes and allowed him to have his alone time.
He told me nothing was wrong-he just wanted time alone to work on a project.
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Today I opened up my computer and the story he wrote last night popped up.
It was brilliant-about the the relationship between a father and son written from both perspectives~the emotional depth he articulated blew my mind.
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Tears filled my eyes because it reminded me that we never know what’s going on beneath the surface.
It reminded me of the importance of allowing space for our kids to be who they are and in that their unique gifts will be revealed.
And to trust that all we do as parents is getting through to our kids-even when we don’t see it.
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I have struggled with whether or not to label Nicholas. I even hesitate to talk about it because it feels somehow wrong. Maybe disrespectful of him? Or maybe because I feel I need to justify my way.
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But I believe as parents we all have to find our way. Each child, each family is unique. And as we have compassion for ourselves and the other~let go of comparing and judging~the sacred journey becomes so much sweeter.

SCREAM

SCREAM

Sometimes I just want to scream!

The crazy shit that comes up in my mind.

Creating chaos, disease and strife!

Not real....all story....all fear

Self hatred bullshit

That’s why I love Sattva Yoga Journeys

I get to scream, to chant, breathe and let it all out

Kriya’s that at times look crazy

But the intensity and fierceness leads to laughter and pure joy

Sweet surrender, ease, and letting go

And finally tapping into the heart space

A space that is beautiful

A space that is vast, open, brilliant and so sweet!

I want to reside there always,

But I know the power of my crazy, beautiful mind

So it’s back to my mat for some more Kriya, mantra and breath

Such joy in the practice

So much gratitude and love...thank you

Shadow & Light

I usually write when I am struggling But today I write from a place of Joy

As I sat in silence this morning a deep sense of love was present I don’t know where it came from
It wasn’t the result of anything happening
It was just a deep dive into the sacredness of the heart

So much love, so much joy in connecting to the heart I want to stay here always

But I realize that without shadow there is no light And the shadow is an expression of light
So I embrace this moment fully
Just as I am learning to embrace all moments

And I send the love out to you
As when we are in a state of love we naturally want to share. 

Sharing

In sharing there is letting go

In sharing there is release

In sharing there is surrender

In sharing there is love
In sharing there is inspiration

In sharing there is humility.

Let yourself open

Let yourself expand

Let yourself inspire