DIVORCE

DIVORCE…

I got divorced when my kids were 2 & 3.

I never regretted it. 

When they were small I felt lonely.

Loneliest when I was with them. 

I looked out at other families and imagined their life was better.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. 

I now don’t compare - I work on saying “in my own lane”. 

The most challenging part is that I would beat up on myself constantly.

Furious at myself for choosing the wrong person to marry. 

Furious that I chose to have two children. 

Imagining life would be easier with just one 

I now focus on what is rather than what could have been. 

My boys are now 13 & 14. 

I still don’t regret my decision. 

I now feel loneliest when I don’t have my boys, 

I am now grateful for the man I married. 

There is no drama and he is present for them-and me. 

Grateful for these gifts. 

I now know the beauty of honoring your truth. 

I sometimes wish there was someone to help

I sometimes still feel very alone in it all. 

But more often than not, I am grateful for the gift that being a single parent is.

I am grateful for all the lessons i have learned. 

And I am most grateful for the beauty that accepting my unique path has brought. 

Remember…you are never alone and that in sharing your journey, your struggles and your victories you will inspire others and eventually be able to let the story go - stepping more into the now! And the gift that brings! Sending love.

My Calling

As I practiced last night I arrived in a place of deep love and knowing...

Love for the Sattva Yoga practice, the kriyas especially and a knowing that they are meant to be shared...

This simple truth keeps me moving forward -despite obstacles, fears, doubt and worry...

I am being called to be bigger than I know myself to be - no more playing small or hiding...

I tremble as I write this for I like to be behind the curtain - the watcher looking out - no real risk of failure...

But its time, time to go on stage and take ownership of my calling.....

I write this for me, for you, and for us....as we elevate ourselves we elevate the other....

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My Jeans Don't Fit

My JEANS DON'T FIT ME anymore.
Yes it's true....
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For awhile I kept trying to make them fit. 
But they simply didn’t. 
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As much as a part of me wants to go back.
Try to fit, squeeze and force to make them work. 
I realized that I had no other choice
It was time to go out and buy some new digs. 
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My priorities have changed. 
My age has changed. 
My wisdom has changed. 
And my heart has changed. 
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So, I move forward
Walk with my head held high. 
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New Jeans,
New attitude
New way of being. 
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Others may not unerstand
They may see my new softenss as weak or less than
But in my heart I know who I am
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I wish I could say I have all the answers
But I don’t
For no one has answers for anyone else
We all have to arrive in our own truth. 
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Walk in the style of jeans that feel right for us. 
And own who we are...
Some will like your new digs and join in. 
Others won’t and will fall away as you walk down the street. 
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A loss perhaps
But also a gift because.....

It feels oh so good to take this journey in a pair of jeans that fit.
Rather than forcing yourself into a shape that no longer serves...
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Sending love and courage out to you

HAPPY All the time?

It’s not fair….

My body screams.
My mind screams.
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My heart is hurt
My heart is confused
My heart doesn’t understand.
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My adult self doesn’t want to be an adult.
My childlike self wants to take over.
And say…..It’s not fair. 
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The funny thing is, the “anger” is at no one in particular
And yet if I look closer, directed soley at the self. 
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It’s been awhile since I felt this way.
And yet it came up strong yesterday. 
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Not in a thought, an acition or a feeling. 
More of an energy in the body. 
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All I wanted was for it to go away.
To feel light and happy again. 

For isn’t that the “right” way to feel, especially if we are on the yogic path. 
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But I realize that’s its showing up to be seen, to be heard, to be understood and ultimately integrated.
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Recognizing that it isn’t “better than” when we are experiencing joy.
And it isn’t “less than” when we are experiencing pain or sadness.

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Both energies are equally valuable
Maybe not equally preferable, but equally valuable on our journey toward wholeness
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This is my greatest lesson lately.
To not reject the self when I am in a “less preferable” experience
To not fight it or make it bad or wrong. 
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Rather to love, love, love no matter what is arising on the surface.

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So no matter what you are feeling today I invite you to own it - yes, own it - no matter what it is and it is through that that you will come out the other side!!!

Sending love

Competition

I am No Longer Competing ✌️
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When we walk our own path we care less about the path of the other.
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I didn’t want to compete.
I didn’t want to compare.
And yet, as much as I tired to deny it, it was still there underneath the surface.
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Not with everyone of course~
Just a certain few that triggered that feeling inside.
It can be so subtle, can’t it?
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And yet it is never about the other person.
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As we make peace with ourselves, all of our relationships heal.
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I had an experience the other day that felt oh so good. That competitive/comparative feeling was gone.
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I wasn’t denying it, trying to make it go away~ it just simply wasn’t there.
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#breakthrough
As I stay committed to my path and dive deeper into my practice there is a gentle release of these feelings (& habits of the mind) that used to haunt me.
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Grateful ❤️ and sending love

The Lighter Side

Since I usually share the “dark-side” I thought I’d share some light!✨
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These were the words that came out like a stream on Friday....
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Yoga today included big belly laughs and singing at the top of my lungs.
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That is the possibility of yoga!
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Breaking through barriers where you give yourself permission to laugh and cry and realize that there’s really no difference.
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And all of it is necessary as we move toward that deep connection to ourselves, the other and the divine.
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I am in immense gratitude lately that this is my life.
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That I get to go on a bike ride near a beautiful lake in the morning, go to yoga class at noon and swim with my boys (and watch Dawson’s Creek 😁) in the later hours of the day. #trulyblessed
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As I move into this next venture I am determined to take care of myself and to not exhaust myself as I used to. 
To stay connected to Joy and ease. 
And when I witness the mind wanting to take me back to the struggle, i will take a huge exhale and allow myself to soften.
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Most of my life has been very different. Struggling, creating hardship and trying to achieve.
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But I’m not really about that anymore. I simply want to connect, to share, and to be. #deepgratitude 
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Sending love and wishing you all a beautiful Sunday!

Safety

If I did what was safe….

I would still be married.
I would still be working Sac State.
I would still be working at UCSB.
I would have married someone different. 
I would have married younger. 
I wouldn’t have gone to graduate school. 
I wouldn’t have bought my house. 
I wouldn’t have sold my house. 
I wouldnt’ be giving up my psych license. 
I wouldn’t have traveled to India. 
I wouldn’t have opended a yoga studio. 
I wouldn’t be opening a yoga studio. 
I would be teaching in a completely different way. 
I wouldn't be posting this :) 
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The list goes on and on. 
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I look back on my life and there’s so many “safe” routes I could have taken. 
Part of me really wanted, and sometimes still wants, the external safety, stability and security. 
Something solid outside of myself that I can rely on. 
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I felt that arising last night as my jaw clenched and the old fears arose….

And yet the larger part of me knows it’s just an illusion.

That I have to accept who I am fully. 
That I have to take owenrship of my life. 
That the biggest stablity is the internal. 

Knowing the self
Trusting the self
And trusting that the divine that is always holding me….
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There is no right or wrong way to live.
No right or wrong way to be. 
The thing is, can we acccept oursleves and our path fully. 

One of things I remind myself of as I look out into the world is…
What is happening for me is relevant for my journey. 
What is happening for others is relevant for theirs. 

And can we have compassion for one another and support each other as walk our unique paths. 
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sending love and support to you today!!!

The Body Holds Memory

A few weeks ago when I was taking a TT students class she put us in Supta Baddha Konasana.

A pose where you lie on your back, heart center exposed.  

She also had us put a bolster under the back so that the whole upper body was lifted up.

The heart center opened even more!

 

Immediately my body reacted with fear. 

My mind wasn’t afriad,

But everything in my body wanted to come out of the pose. 

And curl up in the fetal position. 

 

I chose to stay, breathe and to get curious about what was going on. 

 

Tears came to my eyes as I realized my body didn’t like being so open, exposed. 

My heart wants to be.

My mind wants to be 

But my body is still afraid. 

 

It’s so fascinating how much our body holds. 

 

Last week when I announced the birth of AWAKE 

Again my body reacted.

I was so excited in my heart, my mind and my soul.

But again my body held tension - overwhelming pain in my neck-a tightness I couldn’t release. 

 

Again, I chose to stay, to get curious and LISTEN. 

 

Was it fear, anxiety, being too big, too out there, too much?

The reason doesn’t matter

What matters is the response

Just like when a freinds speaks to you…

 

It’s not really about fixing it or figuring it out - most of the time it’s just about being there, listening and caring. 

 

So as I learn to be in my body more and more. 

I realize how much our body holds for us.

How much memory it stores

And how it was only trying to protect us when it learned to tighten

 

As we practice, we release that memory

We move out of stuck patterning 

Awaken dormant energy 

And feel new things

 

So if you ever find yourself crying on your yoga mat let the tears flow

It means your releasing, healing and expanding

And when that happens your one step closer to FREEDOM

Letting go of the battle with the body,  the self, the mind

And allowing the heart to awaken and love, love, love……more completely, freely and without abandon! 

ANGER, our KIDS and the importance of BEING WITH

My son, like all of us, has many emotions

But they come out in two main ways

Pure joy and Intense anger

 

It has always been this way

Since he was very young

The anger piece has been a huge challenge for me, 

but also one of my greatest teachers

 

You see, I grew up surrounded by anger

And I hated it, didn’t know how to deal with it

So I ran away as quickly as I could when I saw it in myelf or the other. 

 

But shoving it down didn’t really work

It just showed up in destructive ways

Violent acts to the self mainly

 

But having my son forced me to look anger in the eyes

Forced me to find a way to be with it

And bring the thunder to the surface

 

So last night when my sons anger was rising

I held steady and stayed

 

In the past I would have checked out

Been angry that he was angry

And let the mind take over with questions such as….

 

“why do I have a son that’s angry

what am I doing wrong,

I don’t want to be here  

 

But I have learned to be with

And after the fury ended 

The truth came out

 

He told me how he was anxious all the time

Stressed out and worried about multiple things

And even when there was nothing to worry about, the worry persisted

 

Such a sweet moment of connection

To truly see him 

And what was underneath the surface

 

The more I can be with my own anger

The more I can be with his

And the gift in that is that it won’t go underground and he will be able to BE WITH in a healthy way. 

 

Having a Voice

I learned to be quiet

It was safer that way

I wouldn’t get in trouble

Wouldn’t be hurt.

 

Even as an adult

After all these years

I can feel it in my nervous system when I have a voice

A visceral fear arises

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Am I going to be annhilated?"

 

It doesn’t matter what my logical mind thinks

It’s in my body - fight or flight

And for me it’s been mainly flight

 

But that is the gift of practice

We witness the self and go beyod

Wounds of the soul run deep

But they dont have to rule us…

 

So as you come to your practice today

Allow yourself to breath, chant and move fully

Allow yourself to feel all of who you are

 

And trust that this coming home is what will heal you, empower you and liberate you 

 

The Gift of Teaching

As I taught the other day tears of deep love filled my eyes.

Gratitude for the teachings and the power they have to heal

 

I no longer take ownership of what I teach

I no longer allow my ego to think it’s me that’s doing it

It a process of surrendering and allowing the beauty of the moment to reveal itself

In a state of deep gratitude and love today for the honor of teaching

Fear and Love

I woke up with a jolt this morning at 4 a.m.
The anxiety gripping me
Intense fear, a visseral expereince
No reason in sight

In the past I wasn’t aware of this energy
I kept myself too busy
Too checked out
And I blamed the other for what was inside of me

As much as I still at times want to blame or push away
I allow myself to stay
To know that it will pass
And that nothing is wrong

So this morning, despite the fear, I got up and dove into practice
Puja, Breath, Meditation, Kriya and Movement
2 hours later there was arelease
An opening and a kowing that everything is okay

The mind plays crazy tricks on us
And the more we sit with the self the more we notice
It may seem at times that we are getting “worse”
But it is just a clearing out of what was already there

I know that on the other side of fear is love, compassion and grace
I’ve expereinced it multiple times
But in moments I forget
That is why we come together in community, sangha

To remind each other that we aren’t alone
That love is underneath the surface of everything
And to never abandon the self in moments such as these

Yoga is the path to liberation, freedom and self mastery
And that journey can sometimes feel like a battle
But if we stay the course we realize that it’s all a play
And if we surrender, we will be held.....

So, In this moment, on the other side of the fire I sit
Working on my 300 hr TT manual with such joy
A sense of humility and gratitude for this practice, the teachings, and this life.

Senidng you love and know that if you’re ever caught in the grips of fear
Come to your breath, know that you aren’t alone, and always reach out
For love is always there if you allow it to be

Victim No More

I’ve lived the role of a victim for a long time.

I knew it in my mind and worked to shift it

Yet, it was still stuck

A flavor of it in my nervous system

Very subtle, but still present.

Over the last few years everything was stripped away

Identity, relationships, professional roles

And I was forced to look deeper within

No one to blame

No one to scapegoat

Only me facing me

The more I allowed myself to dive into the body

The more I practiced Kriya

The more I meditated

The more that was revealed to me

Stuck patterning on a cellular level being dislodged, broken up

It’s difficult to describe in words

But I can say that from facing my shadow more light has been revealed

And I am learning to integrate and love all parts

And as I do that deeper states of compassion emerge

Deeper states of love, spontaneous moments of joy

No more dumbing down or being small

Apologizing for who I am

No more feeling like I have to stay quiet and pretend I am less than

For I am a light, I am love, I am divine grace!

And you are too!

Whatever you are going through

Just know that on the other side of the shadow is light

On the other side of pain is joy

On the other side of fear is love

So keep moving forward, keep opening, keep sharing

For you are a beautiful gift to this world!

And gifts are meant to be opened

Love After the Battle

The battle with the self is the most brutle of them all.

So get ready, gather your weapons, sharpen your knives, strengthen your fists and then come forth....BRAVE and AlIVE!

And when you reach the mountain top lay all the weapons at your feet, surrender and stand tall, open your arms wide, smile, giggle and say NO MORE!

YOU are READY to set yourself FREE! 

 

Wise Woman

🔥The Wise Woman🔥
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Wise women or the bitter one -we have a choice -
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I can feel the pull to both ~ the full, rich, joyful, confident solid one that doesnt give a shit what others think, how others treat her. .
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She is who she is and she knows it . She doesnt have to prove herself to anyone, she doesnt have to try to look younger, sexier more beautiful to fit in .
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She is beautiful already in the fullness of her badass self🔥
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But the bitter one rears her head ~ sad and beat down by the years of hurt, pain hard work and suffering in silence -
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What will u choose?

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I say RISE UP all you wise women! Rise up, shine, be heard and walk this planet proud, fearless and in love.

Facing Our Aloneness

Moments like this come up

Where I feel my aloneness

It usually creaps up at night

After a long day, on my way home

I am almost afraid to go home

Afraid to face myself and be

I could busy myself with more “doing”

I could call people or go see freinds

But at the end of the day I’d still have to be with me.

In moments like this I want to push the feeling away

Eat, drink, or check out in some other way

 

But I no longer do that becaue I know the value in facing myself.

I’ve felt those moments of ease in my own space - oh so sweet.

But moments like this still arise

When I just want to fall into someone’s arms and be

No words necessary, no story to tell

Just familiar comfort and ease. 

I remember that feeling

Oh so sweet.

Not sure why my journey has been solo as of late

But I trust that it won’t always be that way

So tonight I witness the panic and come to my breath

Walk inside, take a moment to be and then step to into my backyard

The sky is beautiful and brilliant

The trees are vibrant

And there is so much peace in this space

I am okay. I am alive and at peace. 

I chose to write to all of you tonight because I know I’m not alone

We all have to face moments like this

And if in these moments we can stay with the self

Rather than abandon and punish

Our lives would be so much more sweet.

Sending love….

DISCERNMENT


Make a stand for yourself.
Listen to how you feel in a situation.
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Listen to how you feel when you are in someone's space.
Do you feel relaxed and in joy?
Do you feel tense and anxious?
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I used to neglect these clues.
Thinking there was something wrong with me.
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I didn't want to judge.
I wanted to take full ownership of my expereince.
And I still do.
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But what I realize now was that I was missing important signals from my nervous system. 
Wanting to be nice, kind, loving and a good person.
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I allowed myself to be in sitautions that didn't feel great.
I was strong enough, I could take care of myself and be okay.
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But I am wiser now.
I realize I don't have to put myself in places that don't feel good in my heart, my soul.
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Discernment. 
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This doesn't mean I am judging the other person.
Looking at them as bad or wrong. 
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I am just allowing myself to move with the energy of what feels "right" for me. 
Allowing myelf to move toward softenss and love.
Rather than suffering and "getting through".
I no longer have to abandon myself to please the other. 
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I still sometimes worry because I never want to hurt another.
But I realize I have to hold onto who I know myself to be
Regardless of what the other thinks.
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And staying in a state of love and grace sometimes means letting go.
And as I do that, my energy is more open and free, clear, expansive and available to love more fully, authentically and completely.

Joy, Pain, & Yoga

I’ve expereined my deepest pain
And my greatest joy in the yoga community

These were the words that came to me
As tears streamed down my face the other night

Not tears of sadness or anger or any emotion really
Just tears of release, relief

An awakening to the deep knowing of why
The veil of confusion being lifted

When I first stepped onto my mat..when I was “all in” 
It was 2009 and yoga took over

I went to my mat daily, in a yoga studio, until 2015
Then everything changed.

The mat became a place of pain
The yoga community a place of sorrow

So many things had happened causing my heart to break
My sanctuary was a sanctuary no more

That was a heartbreak and loss I was not prepared for

I deeply craved a “mother’ to care for me
A relationship to make me feel safe

But that was not the path for me at the time
I couldn’t see or reach out 

It was too painful
Abandonment was the only thing I saw

So I went on a journey to my mat, my meditation cushion , India (many times)
To Face myself, face God, 

The deeper I went the more JOY I felt
But the sorrow also grew and I didn’t understand

Why was I not getting it?
Why did things seem to be getting “worse”
Why could I no longer focus on the goodness
Why was my attention pulled to the dark

And then the other night an awakening happened in a flash
Everying that has happened has happened for me
A thing I knew on the level of the mind
But I "got it"' on the level of the heart, the soul

Everything that happened happend...
To bring everything to the surface
And this time I had the strength to stay
To see, to be with and to HEAL

In the past I was able to leave relationships, jobs, and move on

But I can’t leave yoga because that would mean leaving my greatest love
A love that will never go away and a love that is a deep reflection of me

So I have been navigating my way
Ups and downs, twists and turns
Storms and rainbows
Deep laughter, wild screams, big tears and big smiles

As yogis we have to face ourselves
We can’t hide, blame, run away, check out, control or fix

So, as much as I want to tell a story
The story doesn’t matter

As much as I want to compare my path to the other
I witness that and let it pass

Because I know that my journey has been uniquelly designed for me
And your journey uniquely designed for you

And all that matters is can you accept your story, your path, yourself fully, completely and with great reverence

For yoga is a deep love affair
Love with ourself, our life and purpose

And all I can do is deeply surrender
Choose to let the experiences OPEN MY HEART more
And have the courage to stay on the ride
In any way I can

Someitmes it takes a warrior stance to do that
Sometimes the stance of a child
And always the stance of a mother…..
loving unconditionally, strong, solid, compassionate, wise, and with a deep trust that I will find my way….
And you will too...
Sending love

Anger, Kids, & Acceptance

My son, like all of us, has many emotions. 
They come out in two main ways:
Pure Joy and Intense Anger
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It has always been this way.
Since he was very young.
The anger piece been a huge challenge for me, but also one of my greatest teachers.
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You see, I grew up surrounded by anger.
I hated it and didn’t know how to deal with it.
So I ran away as quickly as I could when I saw it in myself or the other.
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But shoving it down didn’t really work.
It just showed up in destructive ways.
Violent acts to the self which impacted the other.
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But having my son forced me to look anger in the eyes.
Forced me to find a way to be with it.
And bring it to the surface.
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So last night when my sons anger was rising.
I held steady and stayed.
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In the past I would have checked out.
Been angry that he was angry.
Desperately searching for ways to make him happy again.
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But I have learned to be with. 
And last night when the fury ended.
The truth came out!
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He told me how he was anxious all the time.
Stressed out and worried about multiple things.
And even when there was nothing to worry about, there were he persisted.
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Such a sweet moment of connection.
To truly see him.
And what was underneath the surface.
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The more I can be with my own anger.
The more I can be with his.
And the gift in that is that it won’t go under ground and show up and self-destructive acts.
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It is a journey that will continue
As he enters his 13th year next week.
It is a balance of seeking help from others, listening to him and trusting my own wisdom.
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I share this with you because I know anger can be a challenging emotion for many of us.
And if we could find a way to be with it in a healthy way rather than make it wrong or bad we could see what’s truly beneath it and so many problems could be prevented.
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And
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One of the most challenging things to do as a parent but also one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to be with all parts of who they are~ for me it was so easy to love the bright beautiful charismatic side of him and to reject the anger. But as I’ve learned to be with this piece of who he is, his light grows and the struggle lessens.
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And lastly as parents can we support one another rather than judge one another when struggles happen.
Sending love. 

Allowing Space for Kids to Blossom

This boy brought tears to my eyes today....in a good way.
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When I picked him up from school yesterday (after not seeing him for 6 days) he didn’t want to speak.
We drove home in silence.
When we got home he went in his room and shut the door.
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Heartbreak because all I wanted to do was spend time with him and speak (that is how I connect)
But it is different for him-so, I respected his wishes and allowed him to have his alone time.
He told me nothing was wrong-he just wanted time alone to work on a project.
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Today I opened up my computer and the story he wrote last night popped up.
It was brilliant-about the the relationship between a father and son written from both perspectives~the emotional depth he articulated blew my mind.
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Tears filled my eyes because it reminded me that we never know what’s going on beneath the surface.
It reminded me of the importance of allowing space for our kids to be who they are and in that their unique gifts will be revealed.
And to trust that all we do as parents is getting through to our kids-even when we don’t see it.
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I have struggled with whether or not to label Nicholas. I even hesitate to talk about it because it feels somehow wrong. Maybe disrespectful of him? Or maybe because I feel I need to justify my way.
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But I believe as parents we all have to find our way. Each child, each family is unique. And as we have compassion for ourselves and the other~let go of comparing and judging~the sacred journey becomes so much sweeter.