Having a Voice

I learned to be quiet

It was safer that way

I wouldn’t get in trouble

Wouldn’t be hurt.

Even as an adult

After all these years

I can feel it in my nervous system when I have a voice

A visceral fear arises

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Am I going to be annhilated?"

It doesn’t matter what my logical mind thinks

It’s in my body - fight or flight

And for me it’s been mainly flight

But that is the gift of practice

We witness the self and go beyod

Wounds of the soul run deep

But they dont have to rule us…

So as you come to your practice today

Allow yourself to breath, chant and move fully

Allow yourself to feel all of who you are

And trust that this coming home is what will heal you, empower you and liberate you 

The Gift of Teaching

As I taught the other day tears of deep love filled my eyes.

Gratitude for the teachings and the power they have to heal

I no longer take ownership of what I teach

I no longer allow my ego to think it’s me that’s doing it

It a process of surrendering and allowing the beauty of the moment to reveal itself

In a state of deep gratitude and love today for the honor of teaching

Fear and Love

I woke up with a jolt this morning at 4 a.m.
The anxiety gripping me
Intense fear, a visseral expereince
No reason in sight

In the past I wasn’t aware of this energy
I kept myself too busy
Too checked out
And I blamed the other for what was inside of me

As much as I still at times want to blame or push away
I allow myself to stay
To know that it will pass
And that nothing is wrong

So this morning, despite the fear, I got up and dove into practice
Puja, Breath, Meditation, Kriya and Movement
2 hours later there was arelease
An opening and a kowing that everything is okay

The mind plays crazy tricks on us
And the more we sit with the self the more we notice
It may seem at times that we are getting “worse”
But it is just a clearing out of what was already there

I know that on the other side of fear is love, compassion and grace
I’ve expereinced it multiple times
But in moments I forget
That is why we come together in community, sangha

To remind each other that we aren’t alone
That love is underneath the surface of everything
And to never abandon the self in moments such as these

Yoga is the path to liberation, freedom and self mastery
And that journey can sometimes feel like a battle
But if we stay the course we realize that it’s all a play
And if we surrender, we will be held.....

So, In this moment, on the other side of the fire I sit
Working on my 300 hr TT manual with such joy
A sense of humility and gratitude for this practice, the teachings, and this life.

Senidng you love and know that if you’re ever caught in the grips of fear
Come to your breath, know that you aren’t alone, and always reach out
For love is always there if you allow it to be

Victim No More

I’ve lived the role of a victim for a long time.

I knew it in my mind and worked to shift it

Yet, it was still stuck

A flavor of it in my nervous system

Very subtle, but still present.

Over the last few years everything was stripped away

Identity, relationships, professional roles

And I was forced to look deeper within

No one to blame

No one to scapegoat

Only me facing me

The more I allowed myself to dive into the body

The more I practiced Kriya

The more I meditated

The more that was revealed to me

Stuck patterning on a cellular level being dislodged, broken up

It’s difficult to describe in words

But I can say that from facing my shadow more light has been revealed

And I am learning to integrate and love all parts

And as I do that deeper states of compassion emerge

Deeper states of love, spontaneous moments of joy

No more dumbing down or being small

Apologizing for who I am

No more feeling like I have to stay quiet and pretend I am less than

For I am a light, I am love, I am divine grace!

And you are too!

Whatever you are going through

Just know that on the other side of the shadow is light

On the other side of pain is joy

On the other side of fear is love

So keep moving forward, keep opening, keep sharing

For you are a beautiful gift to this world!

And gifts are meant to be opened

Love After the Battle

The battle with the self is the most brutle of them all.

So get ready, gather your weapons, sharpen your knives, strengthen your fists and then come forth....BRAVE and AlIVE!

And when you reach the mountain top lay all the weapons at your feet, surrender and stand tall, open your arms wide, smile, giggle and say NO MORE!

YOU are READY to set yourself FREE! 

Wise Woman

🔥The Wise Woman🔥
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Wise women or the bitter one -we have a choice -
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I can feel the pull to both ~ the full, rich, joyful, confident solid one that doesnt give a shit what others think, how others treat her. .
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She is who she is and she knows it . She doesnt have to prove herself to anyone, she doesnt have to try to look younger, sexier more beautiful to fit in .
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She is beautiful already in the fullness of her badass self🔥
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But the bitter one rears her head ~ sad and beat down by the years of hurt, pain hard work and suffering in silence -
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What will u choose?

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I say RISE UP all you wise women! Rise up, shine, be heard and walk this planet proud, fearless and in love.

Facing Our Aloneness

Moments like this come up

Where I feel my aloneness

It usually creaps up at night

After a long day, on my way home

I am almost afraid to go home

Afraid to face myself and be

I could busy myself with more “doing”

I could call people or go see freinds

But at the end of the day I’d still have to be with me.

In moments like this I want to push the feeling away

Eat, drink, or check out in some other way

But I no longer do that becaue I know the value in facing myself.

I’ve felt those moments of ease in my own space - oh so sweet.

But moments like this still arise

When I just want to fall into someone’s arms and be

No words necessary, no story to tell

Just familiar comfort and ease. 

I remember that feeling

Oh so sweet.

Not sure why my journey has been solo as of late

But I trust that it won’t always be that way

So tonight I witness the panic and come to my breath

Walk inside, take a moment to be and then step to into my backyard

The sky is beautiful and brilliant

The trees are vibrant

And there is so much peace in this space

I am okay. I am alive and at peace. 

I chose to write to all of you tonight because I know I’m not alone

We all have to face moments like this

And if in these moments we can stay with the self

Rather than abandon and punish

Our lives would be so much more sweet.

Sending love….

DISCERNMENT

Make a stand for yourself.
Listen to how you feel in a situation.
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Listen to how you feel when you are in someone's space.
Do you feel relaxed and in joy?
Do you feel tense and anxious?
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I used to neglect these clues.
Thinking there was something wrong with me.
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I didn't want to judge.
I wanted to take full ownership of my expereince.
And I still do.
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But what I realize now was that I was missing important signals from my nervous system. 
Wanting to be nice, kind, loving and a good person.
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I allowed myself to be in sitautions that didn't feel great.
I was strong enough, I could take care of myself and be okay.
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But I am wiser now.
I realize I don't have to put myself in places that don't feel good in my heart, my soul.
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Discernment. 
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This doesn't mean I am judging the other person.
Looking at them as bad or wrong. 
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I am just allowing myself to move with the energy of what feels "right" for me. 
Allowing myelf to move toward softenss and love.
Rather than suffering and "getting through".
I no longer have to abandon myself to please the other. 
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I still sometimes worry because I never want to hurt another.
But I realize I have to hold onto who I know myself to be
Regardless of what the other thinks.
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And staying in a state of love and grace sometimes means letting go.
And as I do that, my energy is more open and free, clear, expansive and available to love more fully, authentically and completely.

Joy, Pain, & Yoga

I’ve expereined my deepest pain
And my greatest joy in the yoga community

These were the words that came to me
As tears streamed down my face the other night

Not tears of sadness or anger or any emotion really
Just tears of release, relief

An awakening to the deep knowing of why
The veil of confusion being lifted

When I first stepped onto my mat..when I was “all in” 
It was 2009 and yoga took over

I went to my mat daily, in a yoga studio, until 2015
Then everything changed.

The mat became a place of pain
The yoga community a place of sorrow

So many things had happened causing my heart to break
My sanctuary was a sanctuary no more

That was a heartbreak and loss I was not prepared for

I deeply craved a “mother’ to care for me
A relationship to make me feel safe

But that was not the path for me at the time
I couldn’t see or reach out 

It was too painful
Abandonment was the only thing I saw

So I went on a journey to my mat, my meditation cushion , India (many times)
To Face myself, face God, 

The deeper I went the more JOY I felt
But the sorrow also grew and I didn’t understand

Why was I not getting it?
Why did things seem to be getting “worse”
Why could I no longer focus on the goodness
Why was my attention pulled to the dark

And then the other night an awakening happened in a flash
Everying that has happened has happened for me
A thing I knew on the level of the mind
But I "got it"' on the level of the heart, the soul

Everything that happened happend...
To bring everything to the surface
And this time I had the strength to stay
To see, to be with and to HEAL

In the past I was able to leave relationships, jobs, and move on

But I can’t leave yoga because that would mean leaving my greatest love
A love that will never go away and a love that is a deep reflection of me

So I have been navigating my way
Ups and downs, twists and turns
Storms and rainbows
Deep laughter, wild screams, big tears and big smiles

As yogis we have to face ourselves
We can’t hide, blame, run away, check out, control or fix

So, as much as I want to tell a story
The story doesn’t matter

As much as I want to compare my path to the other
I witness that and let it pass

Because I know that my journey has been uniquelly designed for me
And your journey uniquely designed for you

And all that matters is can you accept your story, your path, yourself fully, completely and with great reverence

For yoga is a deep love affair
Love with ourself, our life and purpose

And all I can do is deeply surrender
Choose to let the experiences OPEN MY HEART more
And have the courage to stay on the ride
In any way I can

Someitmes it takes a warrior stance to do that
Sometimes the stance of a child
And always the stance of a mother…..
loving unconditionally, strong, solid, compassionate, wise, and with a deep trust that I will find my way….
And you will too...
Sending love

Anger, Kids, & Acceptance

My son, like all of us, has many emotions. 
They come out in two main ways:
Pure Joy and Intense Anger
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It has always been this way.
Since he was very young.
The anger piece been a huge challenge for me, but also one of my greatest teachers.
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You see, I grew up surrounded by anger.
I hated it and didn’t know how to deal with it.
So I ran away as quickly as I could when I saw it in myself or the other.
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But shoving it down didn’t really work.
It just showed up in destructive ways.
Violent acts to the self which impacted the other.
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But having my son forced me to look anger in the eyes.
Forced me to find a way to be with it.
And bring it to the surface.
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So last night when my sons anger was rising.
I held steady and stayed.
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In the past I would have checked out.
Been angry that he was angry.
Desperately searching for ways to make him happy again.
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But I have learned to be with. 
And last night when the fury ended.
The truth came out!
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He told me how he was anxious all the time.
Stressed out and worried about multiple things.
And even when there was nothing to worry about, there were he persisted.
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Such a sweet moment of connection.
To truly see him.
And what was underneath the surface.
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The more I can be with my own anger.
The more I can be with his.
And the gift in that is that it won’t go under ground and show up and self-destructive acts.
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It is a journey that will continue
As he enters his 13th year next week.
It is a balance of seeking help from others, listening to him and trusting my own wisdom.
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I share this with you because I know anger can be a challenging emotion for many of us.
And if we could find a way to be with it in a healthy way rather than make it wrong or bad we could see what’s truly beneath it and so many problems could be prevented.
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And
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One of the most challenging things to do as a parent but also one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to be with all parts of who they are~ for me it was so easy to love the bright beautiful charismatic side of him and to reject the anger. But as I’ve learned to be with this piece of who he is, his light grows and the struggle lessens.
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And lastly as parents can we support one another rather than judge one another when struggles happen.

Sending love. 

Allowing Space for Kids to Blossom

This boy brought tears to my eyes today....in a good way.
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When I picked him up from school yesterday (after not seeing him for 6 days) he didn’t want to speak.
We drove home in silence.
When we got home he went in his room and shut the door.
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Heartbreak because all I wanted to do was spend time with him and speak (that is how I connect)
But it is different for him-so, I respected his wishes and allowed him to have his alone time.
He told me nothing was wrong-he just wanted time alone to work on a project.
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Today I opened up my computer and the story he wrote last night popped up.
It was brilliant-about the the relationship between a father and son written from both perspectives~the emotional depth he articulated blew my mind.
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Tears filled my eyes because it reminded me that we never know what’s going on beneath the surface.
It reminded me of the importance of allowing space for our kids to be who they are and in that their unique gifts will be revealed.
And to trust that all we do as parents is getting through to our kids-even when we don’t see it.
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I have struggled with whether or not to label Nicholas. I even hesitate to talk about it because it feels somehow wrong. Maybe disrespectful of him? Or maybe because I feel I need to justify my way.
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But I believe as parents we all have to find our way. Each child, each family is unique. And as we have compassion for ourselves and the other~let go of comparing and judging~the sacred journey becomes so much sweeter.