“Do you have a meditation practice?”

“Yes, on and off.”

“Well then, you don’t have a meditation practice.”

This was a conversation with my teacher 4 years ago. 

I took this to heart. 

And committed to meditating every day. 

This changed my practice drasticly.

I used to go to the early morning class at the studio every day. 

When my kids were small I spent $400 a month on babysitters so I could do this. 

That’s how important it was to me - yup $400 a month to watch sleeping kids :) 

I didn’t have to do what my teacher said. 

He wouldn’t know

He wouldn’t care.

But I did. 

“If you aren’t meditating you shouldn’t be teaching” 

Again, he woulnd’t know if I was meditating

And he wouldn’t care. 

He was not attached. 

But I was. 

This was the point where I took full ownership of my practice. 

This was the point where I began to face myself in a whole new way. 

This was the point where I realized that the battle was with myself. 

And this was the point where I realized that the battle was a war. 

I used to blame others for what I felt. 

I used to blame circumstances for what I felt. 

But mostly, I blamed myself for what I felt. 

I knew I had self hatred, but I never realized how much. 

Facing ourselves is one of the most challenging things. 

And also one of the greatest gifts. 

I have had moments of deep pain, frustration and sadness on my cushion. 

I have also had moments of utter bliss. 

And those moments of bliss, transcending the mind and connecting to deep silence is what keeps me coming back. 

Yesterday I missed meditation for the first time in years. 

I didn’t beat myself up about it

But I noticed - frustration, irritation and an unsteadiness in myself. 

You don’t truly realize the impact of something until it’s gone. 

So this morning i woke up, did my sadhana - puja, meditaiton, and kriya. 

A huge exhale, and back into the gift of silence. 

Grateful for this gift, grateful for this life, and grateful for my teacher. 

Sending love….