“Do you have a meditation practice?”
“Yes, on and off.”
“Well then, you don’t have a meditation practice.”
This was a conversation with my teacher 4 years ago.
I took this to heart.
And committed to meditating every day.
This changed my practice drasticly.
I used to go to the early morning class at the studio every day.
When my kids were small I spent $400 a month on babysitters so I could do this.
That’s how important it was to me - yup $400 a month to watch sleeping kids :)
I didn’t have to do what my teacher said.
He wouldn’t know
He wouldn’t care.
But I did.
“If you aren’t meditating you shouldn’t be teaching”
Again, he woulnd’t know if I was meditating
And he wouldn’t care.
He was not attached.
But I was.
This was the point where I took full ownership of my practice.
This was the point where I began to face myself in a whole new way.
This was the point where I realized that the battle was with myself.
And this was the point where I realized that the battle was a war.
I used to blame others for what I felt.
I used to blame circumstances for what I felt.
But mostly, I blamed myself for what I felt.
I knew I had self hatred, but I never realized how much.
Facing ourselves is one of the most challenging things.
And also one of the greatest gifts.
I have had moments of deep pain, frustration and sadness on my cushion.
I have also had moments of utter bliss.
And those moments of bliss, transcending the mind and connecting to deep silence is what keeps me coming back.
Yesterday I missed meditation for the first time in years.
I didn’t beat myself up about it
But I noticed - frustration, irritation and an unsteadiness in myself.
You don’t truly realize the impact of something until it’s gone.
So this morning i woke up, did my sadhana - puja, meditaiton, and kriya.
A huge exhale, and back into the gift of silence.
Grateful for this gift, grateful for this life, and grateful for my teacher.