I can’t sleep.
Now, I’ve been sleep deprived before.
But not because I couldn’t sleep
But because I made choices to do other things than sleep.
Getting up every night with my son who didn’t sleep though the night until age 6.
Working 12 hour days
Getting up at 4 am so I could fit my sadhana in
But right now I truly can’t sleep.
I want to, but my body won’t let me
It is full of energy.
I go to bed and wake up between 130 and 2 am every day.
I was fighting it, but I’ve surrendered
which for me means getting up and doing my sadhana and a bit of work
When I’m sleepy and ready to go back to bed
It’s time for the day to start
Driving kids to school, meetings etc
My body is tired
My jaw is tight
And yet there is an underying level of joy.
Is it that my body is carrying the worry for me?
The anxiety of the old
I think this may be it
Our bodies hold memory
They sometimes don’t want to let go
Even when we are in no real danger
My body has been in danger before
But right now there is no threat
But is it feeling fear, recognizing a shift and prepearing itself?
Is the new direct I am taking in my life scary for my body?
Does it feel unsafe?
Constricting and tightening to protect me?
Fight, flight, collapse and freeze.
This is the body’s response to trauma
And I think now my body may be confused.
Yes we are taking on a huge adventure.
Yes it is a bit scary and overhwelming.
But there is also so much excitement and joy to be had.
So I say this to my body.
I love you. You are safe. I will take care of you.
We may have to work a little harder right now,
there may be unknown things ahead
But know you are safe,
know I love you
and know that whatever happens I will catch you when you fall.
Sending love and be gentle with your body today :)