SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

I can’t sleep.

Now, I’ve been sleep deprived before.

But not because I couldn’t sleep

But because I made choices to do other things than sleep.

Getting up every night with my son who didn’t sleep though the night until age 6.

Working 12 hour days

Getting up at 4 am so I could fit my sadhana in

But right now I truly can’t sleep.

I want to, but my body won’t let me

It is full of energy.

I go to bed and wake up between 130 and 2 am every day.

I was fighting it, but I’ve surrendered

which for me means getting up and doing my sadhana and a bit of work

When I’m sleepy and ready to go back to bed

It’s time for the day to start

Driving kids to school, meetings etc

My body is tired

My jaw is tight

And yet there is an underying level of joy.

Is it that my body is carrying the worry for me?

The anxiety of the old

I think this may be it

Our bodies hold memory

They sometimes don’t want to let go

Even when we are in no real danger

My body has been in danger before

But right now there is no threat

But is it feeling fear, recognizing a shift and prepearing itself?

Is the new direct I am taking in my life scary for my body?

Does it feel unsafe?

Constricting and tightening to protect me?

Fight, flight, collapse and freeze.

This is the body’s response to trauma

And I think now my body may be confused.

Yes we are taking on a huge adventure.

Yes it is a bit scary and overhwelming.

But there is also so much excitement and joy to be had.

So I say this to my body.

I love you. You are safe. I will take care of you.

We may have to work a little harder right now,

there may be unknown things ahead

But know you are safe,

know I love you

and know that whatever happens I will catch you when you fall.

Sending love and be gentle with your body today :)