Joy, Pain, & Yoga

I’ve expereined my deepest pain
And my greatest joy in the yoga community

These were the words that came to me
As tears streamed down my face the other night

Not tears of sadness or anger or any emotion really
Just tears of release, relief

An awakening to the deep knowing of why
The veil of confusion being lifted

When I first stepped onto my mat..when I was “all in” 
It was 2009 and yoga took over

I went to my mat daily, in a yoga studio, until 2015
Then everything changed.

The mat became a place of pain
The yoga community a place of sorrow

So many things had happened causing my heart to break
My sanctuary was a sanctuary no more

That was a heartbreak and loss I was not prepared for

I deeply craved a “mother’ to care for me
A relationship to make me feel safe

But that was not the path for me at the time
I couldn’t see or reach out 

It was too painful
Abandonment was the only thing I saw

So I went on a journey to my mat, my meditation cushion , India (many times)
To Face myself, face God, 

The deeper I went the more JOY I felt
But the sorrow also grew and I didn’t understand

Why was I not getting it?
Why did things seem to be getting “worse”
Why could I no longer focus on the goodness
Why was my attention pulled to the dark

And then the other night an awakening happened in a flash
Everying that has happened has happened for me
A thing I knew on the level of the mind
But I "got it"' on the level of the heart, the soul

Everything that happened happend...
To bring everything to the surface
And this time I had the strength to stay
To see, to be with and to HEAL

In the past I was able to leave relationships, jobs, and move on

But I can’t leave yoga because that would mean leaving my greatest love
A love that will never go away and a love that is a deep reflection of me

So I have been navigating my way
Ups and downs, twists and turns
Storms and rainbows
Deep laughter, wild screams, big tears and big smiles

As yogis we have to face ourselves
We can’t hide, blame, run away, check out, control or fix

So, as much as I want to tell a story
The story doesn’t matter

As much as I want to compare my path to the other
I witness that and let it pass

Because I know that my journey has been uniquelly designed for me
And your journey uniquely designed for you

And all that matters is can you accept your story, your path, yourself fully, completely and with great reverence

For yoga is a deep love affair
Love with ourself, our life and purpose

And all I can do is deeply surrender
Choose to let the experiences OPEN MY HEART more
And have the courage to stay on the ride
In any way I can

Someitmes it takes a warrior stance to do that
Sometimes the stance of a child
And always the stance of a mother…..
loving unconditionally, strong, solid, compassionate, wise, and with a deep trust that I will find my way….
And you will too...
Sending love