I’ve expereined my deepest pain
And my greatest joy in the yoga community
These were the words that came to me
As tears streamed down my face the other night
Not tears of sadness or anger or any emotion really
Just tears of release, relief
An awakening to the deep knowing of why
The veil of confusion being lifted
When I first stepped onto my mat..when I was “all in”
It was 2009 and yoga took over
I went to my mat daily, in a yoga studio, until 2015
Then everything changed.
The mat became a place of pain
The yoga community a place of sorrow
So many things had happened causing my heart to break
My sanctuary was a sanctuary no more
That was a heartbreak and loss I was not prepared for
I deeply craved a “mother’ to care for me
A relationship to make me feel safe
But that was not the path for me at the time
I couldn’t see or reach out
It was too painful
Abandonment was the only thing I saw
So I went on a journey to my mat, my meditation cushion , India (many times)
To Face myself, face God,
The deeper I went the more JOY I felt
But the sorrow also grew and I didn’t understand
Why was I not getting it?
Why did things seem to be getting “worse”
Why could I no longer focus on the goodness
Why was my attention pulled to the dark
And then the other night an awakening happened in a flash
Everying that has happened has happened for me
A thing I knew on the level of the mind
But I "got it"' on the level of the heart, the soul
Everything that happened happend...
To bring everything to the surface
And this time I had the strength to stay
To see, to be with and to HEAL
In the past I was able to leave relationships, jobs, and move on
But I can’t leave yoga because that would mean leaving my greatest love
A love that will never go away and a love that is a deep reflection of me
So I have been navigating my way
Ups and downs, twists and turns
Storms and rainbows
Deep laughter, wild screams, big tears and big smiles
As yogis we have to face ourselves
We can’t hide, blame, run away, check out, control or fix
So, as much as I want to tell a story
The story doesn’t matter
As much as I want to compare my path to the other
I witness that and let it pass
Because I know that my journey has been uniquelly designed for me
And your journey uniquely designed for you
And all that matters is can you accept your story, your path, yourself fully, completely and with great reverence
For yoga is a deep love affair
Love with ourself, our life and purpose
And all I can do is deeply surrender
Choose to let the experiences OPEN MY HEART more
And have the courage to stay on the ride
In any way I can
Someitmes it takes a warrior stance to do that
Sometimes the stance of a child
And always the stance of a mother…..
loving unconditionally, strong, solid, compassionate, wise, and with a deep trust that I will find my way….
And you will too...
My son, like all of us, has many emotions.And lastly as parents can we support one another rather than judge one another when struggles happen.
They come out in two main ways:
Pure Joy and Intense Anger
It has always been this way.
Since he was very young.
The anger piece been a huge challenge for me, but also one of my greatest teachers.
You see, I grew up surrounded by anger.
I hated it and didn’t know how to deal with it.
So I ran away as quickly as I could when I saw it in myself or the other.
But shoving it down didn’t really work.
It just showed up in destructive ways.
Violent acts to the self which impacted the other.
But having my son forced me to look anger in the eyes.
Forced me to find a way to be with it.
And bring it to the surface.
So last night when my sons anger was rising.
I held steady and stayed.
In the past I would have checked out.
Been angry that he was angry.
Desperately searching for ways to make him happy again.
But I have learned to be with.
And last night when the fury ended.
The truth came out!
He told me how he was anxious all the time.
Stressed out and worried about multiple things.
And even when there was nothing to worry about, there were he persisted.
Such a sweet moment of connection.
To truly see him.
And what was underneath the surface.
The more I can be with my own anger.
The more I can be with his.
And the gift in that is that it won’t go under ground and show up and self-destructive acts.
It is a journey that will continue
As he enters his 13th year next week.
It is a balance of seeking help from others, listening to him and trusting my own wisdom.
I share this with you because I know anger can be a challenging emotion for many of us.
And if we could find a way to be with it in a healthy way rather than make it wrong or bad we could see what’s truly beneath it and so many problems could be prevented.
One of the most challenging things to do as a parent but also one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to be with all parts of who they are~ for me it was so easy to love the bright beautiful charismatic side of him and to reject the anger. But as I’ve learned to be with this piece of who he is, his light grows and the struggle lessens.
This boy brought tears to my eyes today....in a good way.
When I picked him up from school yesterday (after not seeing him for 6 days) he didn’t want to speak.
We drove home in silence.
When we got home he went in his room and shut the door.
Heartbreak because all I wanted to do was spend time with him and speak (that is how I connect)
But it is different for him-so, I respected his wishes and allowed him to have his alone time.
He told me nothing was wrong-he just wanted time alone to work on a project.
Today I opened up my computer and the story he wrote last night popped up.
It was brilliant-about the the relationship between a father and son written from both perspectives~the emotional depth he articulated blew my mind.
Tears filled my eyes because it reminded me that we never know what’s going on beneath the surface.
It reminded me of the importance of allowing space for our kids to be who they are and in that their unique gifts will be revealed.
And to trust that all we do as parents is getting through to our kids-even when we don’t see it.
I have struggled with whether or not to label Nicholas. I even hesitate to talk about it because it feels somehow wrong. Maybe disrespectful of him? Or maybe because I feel I need to justify my way.
But I believe as parents we all have to find our way. Each child, each family is unique. And as we have compassion for ourselves and the other~let go of comparing and judging~the sacred journey becomes so much sweeter.
I usually write when I am struggling But today I write from a place of Joy
As I sat in silence this morning a deep sense of love was present I don’t know where it came from
It wasn’t the result of anything happening
It was just a deep dive into the sacredness of the heart
So much love, so much joy in connecting to the heart I want to stay here always
But I realize that without shadow there is no light And the shadow is an expression of light
So I embrace this moment fully
Just as I am learning to embrace all moments
And I send the love out to you
As when we are in a state of love we naturally want to share.
In sharing there is letting go
In sharing there is release
In sharing there is surrender
In sharing there is love
In sharing there is inspiration
In sharing there is humility.
Let yourself open
Let yourself expand
Let yourself inspire
There comes a time when you have to stop listening to others.
You have to stop reading books, going to trainings, taking classes.
You have to stop looking out for answers and validation. ✨
There comes a time when you have to start trusting yourself. Moving from what feels right for you. And taking full ownership of your experience ✨
My whole life others have been telling me what to do, how to feel and what I'm doing "wrong". And although I'm sure it's coming from love, I realized that I don't need anyone else's opinion. I don't want anyone else's opinion ✨
It's scary to let go of that, but it's time to start living from what is arising in my soul, my heart-fully-completely ✨
I have spent years getting degrees, taking trainings, reading and acquiring more education.
It's time to stop learning in that way.
Its Time to start learning in a new way.✨ trusting in my experience.
Trusting my own rhythm.
Trusting my own voice ✨ this is courage.
This is power and this is true freedom! 💕❤️
If you're ready to join me and discover this freedom for yourself, sign up for my FREE 7 day meditation challenge HERE.