Joy, Pain, & Yoga

I’ve expereined my deepest pain
And my greatest joy in the yoga community

These were the words that came to me
As tears streamed down my face the other night

Not tears of sadness or anger or any emotion really
Just tears of release, relief

An awakening to the deep knowing of why
The veil of confusion being lifted

When I first stepped onto my mat..when I was “all in” 
It was 2009 and yoga took over

I went to my mat daily, in a yoga studio, until 2015
Then everything changed.

The mat became a place of pain
The yoga community a place of sorrow

So many things had happened causing my heart to break
My sanctuary was a sanctuary no more

That was a heartbreak and loss I was not prepared for

I deeply craved a “mother’ to care for me
A relationship to make me feel safe

But that was not the path for me at the time
I couldn’t see or reach out 

It was too painful
Abandonment was the only thing I saw

So I went on a journey to my mat, my meditation cushion , India (many times)
To Face myself, face God, 

The deeper I went the more JOY I felt
But the sorrow also grew and I didn’t understand

Why was I not getting it?
Why did things seem to be getting “worse”
Why could I no longer focus on the goodness
Why was my attention pulled to the dark

And then the other night an awakening happened in a flash
Everying that has happened has happened for me
A thing I knew on the level of the mind
But I "got it"' on the level of the heart, the soul

Everything that happened happend...
To bring everything to the surface
And this time I had the strength to stay
To see, to be with and to HEAL

In the past I was able to leave relationships, jobs, and move on

But I can’t leave yoga because that would mean leaving my greatest love
A love that will never go away and a love that is a deep reflection of me

So I have been navigating my way
Ups and downs, twists and turns
Storms and rainbows
Deep laughter, wild screams, big tears and big smiles

As yogis we have to face ourselves
We can’t hide, blame, run away, check out, control or fix

So, as much as I want to tell a story
The story doesn’t matter

As much as I want to compare my path to the other
I witness that and let it pass

Because I know that my journey has been uniquelly designed for me
And your journey uniquely designed for you

And all that matters is can you accept your story, your path, yourself fully, completely and with great reverence

For yoga is a deep love affair
Love with ourself, our life and purpose

And all I can do is deeply surrender
Choose to let the experiences OPEN MY HEART more
And have the courage to stay on the ride
In any way I can

Someitmes it takes a warrior stance to do that
Sometimes the stance of a child
And always the stance of a mother…..
loving unconditionally, strong, solid, compassionate, wise, and with a deep trust that I will find my way….
And you will too...
Sending love

Anger, Kids, & Acceptance

My son, like all of us, has many emotions. 
They come out in two main ways:
Pure Joy and Intense Anger
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It has always been this way.
Since he was very young.
The anger piece been a huge challenge for me, but also one of my greatest teachers.
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You see, I grew up surrounded by anger.
I hated it and didn’t know how to deal with it.
So I ran away as quickly as I could when I saw it in myself or the other.
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But shoving it down didn’t really work.
It just showed up in destructive ways.
Violent acts to the self which impacted the other.
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But having my son forced me to look anger in the eyes.
Forced me to find a way to be with it.
And bring it to the surface.
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So last night when my sons anger was rising.
I held steady and stayed.
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In the past I would have checked out.
Been angry that he was angry.
Desperately searching for ways to make him happy again.
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But I have learned to be with. 
And last night when the fury ended.
The truth came out!
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He told me how he was anxious all the time.
Stressed out and worried about multiple things.
And even when there was nothing to worry about, there were he persisted.
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Such a sweet moment of connection.
To truly see him.
And what was underneath the surface.
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The more I can be with my own anger.
The more I can be with his.
And the gift in that is that it won’t go under ground and show up and self-destructive acts.
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It is a journey that will continue
As he enters his 13th year next week.
It is a balance of seeking help from others, listening to him and trusting my own wisdom.
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I share this with you because I know anger can be a challenging emotion for many of us.
And if we could find a way to be with it in a healthy way rather than make it wrong or bad we could see what’s truly beneath it and so many problems could be prevented.
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And
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One of the most challenging things to do as a parent but also one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to be with all parts of who they are~ for me it was so easy to love the bright beautiful charismatic side of him and to reject the anger. But as I’ve learned to be with this piece of who he is, his light grows and the struggle lessens.
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And lastly as parents can we support one another rather than judge one another when struggles happen.
Sending love. 

Allowing Space for Kids to Blossom

This boy brought tears to my eyes today....in a good way.
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When I picked him up from school yesterday (after not seeing him for 6 days) he didn’t want to speak.
We drove home in silence.
When we got home he went in his room and shut the door.
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Heartbreak because all I wanted to do was spend time with him and speak (that is how I connect)
But it is different for him-so, I respected his wishes and allowed him to have his alone time.
He told me nothing was wrong-he just wanted time alone to work on a project.
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Today I opened up my computer and the story he wrote last night popped up.
It was brilliant-about the the relationship between a father and son written from both perspectives~the emotional depth he articulated blew my mind.
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Tears filled my eyes because it reminded me that we never know what’s going on beneath the surface.
It reminded me of the importance of allowing space for our kids to be who they are and in that their unique gifts will be revealed.
And to trust that all we do as parents is getting through to our kids-even when we don’t see it.
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I have struggled with whether or not to label Nicholas. I even hesitate to talk about it because it feels somehow wrong. Maybe disrespectful of him? Or maybe because I feel I need to justify my way.
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But I believe as parents we all have to find our way. Each child, each family is unique. And as we have compassion for ourselves and the other~let go of comparing and judging~the sacred journey becomes so much sweeter.

Trust Yourself

There comes a time when you have to stop listening to others. 

You have to stop reading books, going to trainings, taking classes. 

You have to stop looking out for answers and validation. ✨ 

There comes a time when you have to start trusting yourself. Moving from what feels right for you. And taking full ownership of your experience ✨ 

My whole life others have been telling me what to do, how to feel and what I'm doing  "wrong". And although I'm sure it's coming from love, I realized that I don't need anyone else's opinion. I don't want anyone else's opinion ✨ 

It's scary to let go of that, but it's time to start living from what is arising in my soul, my heart-fully-completely ✨ 

I have spent years getting degrees, taking trainings, reading and acquiring more education. 

It's time to stop learning in that way. 

Its Time to start learning in a new way.✨ trusting in my experience. 

Trusting my own rhythm. 

Trusting my own voice ✨ this is courage. 

This is power and this is true freedom! 💕❤️

If you're ready to join me and discover this freedom for yourself, sign up for my FREE 7 day meditation challenge HERE.

In Love,

Cathy

Fear & Wisdom

As I express and fully live, I fear being shamed more.

I’m so afraid

So afraid 

So afraid

I never realized how much

As I get bigger, I get smaller

As I step into light, I see the dark more clearly

As I allow myself to express & fully live, the fear of being shamed grows

Part of me wants to go back

Part of me wants to be small again

Part of me wants to hide

But then the anger comes

I’m tired of feeling I”m wrong

I’m tired of feeling I’m bad

I’m tired of making myself less than

I know what to do, how to act, what to say to fit in

But that’s not me

That is not what wants to be birthed from my soul 

So I move forward on this journey

The journey to my heart

The journey to my soul

The journey to the unknown

Because the longer I’m on this path, the more I know I can never go back

The longer I’m on this path, the less I “know” and the more “wise” I become

If you're ready to take this journey with me, sign up HERE for my FREE 7 day meditation challenge.

 

In Love,

Cathy